Wumpkin Claus

Wumpkin Claus (sometimes referred to as "Wumpkin Claws") is a legendary and mythical figure who, according to Western wumpkin folklore, brings gifts to good wumplings on Christmas Eve.


He is known to drive around in a rusty old El Camino. As the legend goes, Wumpkin Claus originally would leave gifts and toys for good wumplings, while bad wumplings would receive poop in their stockings. Over time, Wumpkin Claus became lazy, and just took to pooping randomly in stockings.

Filling Stockings

Wumpkin Claus is most notorious for the way he fills the stockings he visits on Christmas Eve. In order to gain access to the stockings, Wumpkin Claus will crawl up on the mantle of the fireplace, and carefully hang his buttocks over the edge, aiming for a stocking. He digs his claws into the mantle for stability, then proceeds to dispense fecal matter into the chosen stocking. Wumpkin Claus emits a strong grunting noise during this action, which is often heard reverberating throughout the empty halls of houses during the night. Scientists liken it to the egg-laying habits of a mother sea turtle. Beautiful really.

Leavings of The Claus

Wumpkin Claus maintains a diet of exclusively egg nog for the month leading up to the Christmas Eve. Because of these particular dietary restrictions, The Claus has very unique and identifiable leavings. Generally, there is not much solid matter, rather there is quite a bit of fluid fecal matter. Common reports of the findings Christmas morning consist of a sagging stocking. But on account of the nog there is frequently the addition of puddles and residual spray.

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